Fuck me , fuck me good

(Source: gothinn)

You know when you try to look nice but you look at your reflection and it’s like why do i even bother i still look like shit , even makeup and nice clothes don’t improve my appreance because i look like shit.

then i stupidly think. makeup will make me look pretty or decent at least and i buy so much of it , but i dont look better and then when i want to experiment i cant bring myself to because i just think to myself what are people going to think if for example i walk around with purple eye-shadow or pink lipstick.

every thing will look better if i was skinny. i want to be stick thin i dont even want to slim i just want to be bony , i just want to walk into a store and pick up a jean size 8-10 and know its gonna fit instead or flicking through the back the rack looking for a 14-16. i hate it , i really hate it.

I look at myself in the mirror one day and i think to myself, I’ve lost weight i can keep losing more. Then i wake up and stand infront of the mirror and say god damn I look like ive put on weight. and  it just keeps happening i beleieve im yo-yoing between losing weight and putting it back on , but then everyone around me says i havent or no you’ve lost weight. I hate it

I just wanna be be slim. i hate my body looking at all the podgy bits of fat.

I hate me

my body

who i am

and my life

i have no social life

im just at home on the laptop

with maybe one frend i may see whenever

is this the life for a 17 year old girl

i want to fucking hang myself.

… other things aswell

but im not gunna post it on here

i hate life sometimes

i watch others

and they seem to be doing so much

and i ain’t

and i feel lonely

unwanted , worthless

and un attractive with

horrible un-needed weight

and a horrible build

and no confidence,

anixety

and a self hatred about myself.

i wake up everyday

thinking why am i even here

the same shit is gunna happen

im gunna have the same promblems

the same unhappiness

with the same bitch ass people

treating me like shit

and worrying about stupid things.

i

i see myself as just fat , overweight or just more weight then average. but then again i know im not exactly fat and everybody says im average slimmish but i think i could be so much more slimmer. 

i mean i dont count my calories , if done that in the past and that just drive me insane, but i feel guilty if i know ive eaten alot or i just feel i shouldnt of eaten something. i don’t know its complicated.

* excuse all my poor punctuation and grammar*

im unhappy and im searching for a happiness. the unhappiness isnt all to do with shit im surrounded with but me personally i have alot of emotional and confidence issues and this self hatred i have for myself starts there.